They stepped up when they didn’t have to…

The importance and love of step-family relationships.

Statistically 50% of the over 60 million children in the US under the age of 16 live with one biological parent and that parent’s spouse. Also, 42% of adults adding up to 102 million have a steprelationship with a stepparent, step or half sibling etc.

As a child of divorce, I fall into this category of having steprelationships of different varieties. Now, everyone’s relationships with their stepfamily is different to some degree(s), but here is the point of this story; they stepped up when they didn’t have to. I have a stepfather who from the time I was 7 years old, was present in my life. I went from digesting the fact that my mom and dad were no longer living together, remaining with my mom full-time in the home I was brought home from the hospital to, to meeting my mom’s “friend” at dinner in our home one night, and the next thing I know, we were moving right into his home. It seemed like a whirlwind for a young girl like me, but it fell into place. I went from a small town in New Jersey to what seemed like an even smaller town in Pennsylvania. I felt up-rooted, out of place and scared. We moved during the middle of summer, which meant that I was in a new town when school was out for the year and knew NO ONE around my age to get to know. I spent most times watching television while my mom went to work and this new man worked out of our garage working on cars. I kept to myself…. but little by little this man would check on me, ask me questions about myself, and invite me into his garage to “help” which at that age equaled out to handing him a tool and staying out of the way while he pointed out what he was doing. I was learning. I learned he owned his own business as a mechanic that operated out of our home. I learned that he was patient with me as a quiet and out of place little girl with no friends in the area to speak of. He became my first friend there. This man never made me feel like his home, was not my home. He never pushed me into calling him “dad”…. I already had one of those, who by the way, I am very close to. He was just there…… Jump ahead to when I started school as a new student. I was entering the third grade here, soon to turn eight years old. I was always very strong in English, reading, writing and SCIENCE. Math, math was the enemy. I burned through tutors like matches to a smoker. This subject was also not my mom’s strongest point either…. cue when this man stepped up. He had the patience of a damn saint to sit at the kitchen table with me literally in tears and pulling my hair out in clumps because of numbers, and this continued throughout elementary and middle school. He never faulted in sitting and talking me through it all.

Fast forward to when I got older, starting to build my own life. This man supported me through all of my melt downs, all my hurdles I had to overcome, came to softball games, graduations, operations, and any important milestone in my life. I can now say for certain, he played an integral part in bringing me up to the person I am now. Have we had our struggles? YES, ABSOLUTELY. Did we always navigate them well? NOPE. We went through the whole struggle of “you’re not my dad” (NEVER spoken out loud..) fights. Four years of him not approving of a boy that I was growing to love, leading him to think that his opinions didn’t matter to me after all of these years when I continued to see said boy behind his back. He gifted me my first two vehicles, did that mean that I couldn’t do with them as I please and go where I wanted with who I wanted? It was a rocky four years. Yet, he still made sure I had enough money to go out and enjoy myself while I was six hours away at school. He still offered to pay for lasik eye surgery for my graduation present. He still asks me if I am going to continue my education, or what my career plans are. The life advice never ends. Things have now come full circle, the same boy he never approved of is now included in every family dinner and holiday, we still have our talks, and we still bicker, but what family doesn’t? Mind you, this man has two biological children of his own, that walked out of his life the night his ex left and never turned back on their own accord. They were old enough at the time to know what kind of man they were losing as a father. I hate them for that; it still bothers him though he doesn’t show it. I will forever be grateful to this man, whether he knows it or not, no matter how many times I tell him it never feels like enough… he stepped up in ways I didn’t know I needed…. until now.

Recently, I met an individual about two and a half years younger than I am now. (I am 26 for reference) and after some talking while at work together I learned he is married to a woman ten years older than he. Included in his marriage, he has FIVE stepchildren. The oldest of his stepchildren is only four years younger than he is. Let that sink in…. he is helping raise not one, not two, but FIVE individuals, and one of them is only four years younger….. and yet because of what their biological father lacks, he made up for in his young life and short marriage, each one of them respect him as a father. Why do you ask? Because he stepped up for them and showed them their worth, he protects them, he supports them, and he loves them all as his own.

Anyone can become a parent, but it takes special individuals to parent those who aren’t biologically their own. “Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” I am one of the lucky ones who can say I have two of those. Because he stepped up when he didn’t have to….

If you have a stepfather who may or may not know just how much you value him… tell them often. Tell them you love them. They need to hear it more often, it’s reassurance that even though you don’t share DNA….. you share love; and that is far above stronger than any DNA strand sometimes.